It’s been nearly two years since I last posted. I would claim that I don’t know how that happened, or where the time went. But the truth is that life happened, and time passed, as it is wont to do.
So much happened in those two years, since 2 March, 2014. My mother passed away 12 June, 2014. It was the end of her suffering, but it was only the beginning of what may have been the hardest 18 months that I’ve ever lived through. The nearly five years preceding her passing was hard enough, but I’ve had to learn to really live without her. I’m still figuring it out, and I don’t know if I ever will. Most days I’m fine, but there are times when it really hits me that she isn’t here, and that she’s gone for good. I don’t necessarily cry or get misty-eyed when this happenestead I will feel that distinctive heaviness that presses in when faced with abiding grief. That’s worse, in some ways, because crying isn’t a thing that tends to happen at those times, or at least not for a few days.
But I’m surviving. Right now that’s enough, although lately I’ve felt the need to be something other than depressed. I wonder what my personality actually is when it’s not overwhelmed by depression and anxiety? Will I find that I am actually a naturally bubbly and more outgoing person than I am now, and in that reflect Mom? In any case, I’m tired of the persistent negativity that my brain feeds me, and I am going to force it to work in the other direction, starting by attempting, once again, the #100happydays challenge. During it, I’ll post at least one picture a day to my Instagram account of a moment in time that makes me happy. I’m also going to match each negative statement that I put out into the world on Twitter with a positive one — or more than one, really. But today, I begin.
Today I start the #100happydays challenge. For the past several months, I’ve struggled with more depression and anxiety than usual, resulting in more negativity than I’ve ever lived with in my life. I want to change that, and an easy wasy to begin that process is taking part in this challenge. Join me? #day 1 #April12016 There is a cheesecake in the oven for tomorrow’s postponed family Easter dinner. Made from scratch, and it smells really, really good.
I’ve always enjoyed history, and studying it. But all of my mental health problems seem to have dampened that, until recently. I resisted for months, but eventually it was blund to happen. I listened to Hamilton, and thus tumbled headfirst into a new fandom. I have so many thoughts about this show, and I’ll be sharing them later. But know that right now I’m starry-eyed over Alexander Hamilton, the War for Independence, Lin Manuel Miranda and Leslie Odom, Jr — and that’s the short list. I wrote the first draft of the post in January, and now, at the first part of April, I can safely say that I still love it, and it is still as amazing as ever.